Posts Tagged ‘IVF’

It’s just. Not. Happening

The unfairness of it all is what gets me. The third try with a full IVF cycle didn’t work either, we found out as I took the test on Friday. Devastating.

Even more so when going online on Saturday and finding out from pictures that my bonus sister is pregnant again (her 2nd), and then later in the evening noticing a suspicious comment on my BFF’s wall: “you’re glowing – good luck with the belly!”. To me that can only mean one thing. That’d be her third. And she hasn’t told me.

It was as if someone had stomped on me. Crushed me. Squeezed all the air out of my lungs, and punched me in the heart. I just fell apart. Gasping for air.

Still, I could be wrong. About the second one, the first one’s been confirmed. Needless to say, I’m off Facebook. I’ll read notifications and messages, but nothing else. I couldn’t handle more ultrasound pics or exclamations like “oh! just felt the baby’s first kick!”.

No thanks. So if you’re expecting a response from me on something – e-mail or message me instead.

I don’t even feel bad for not being happy for people anymore. It’s asking for too much. I mean, deep down, somewhere way down, I’m delighted for them. Of course. But it makes my loss and suffering so much worse, and now it’s time to focus on me. On us.

We’re both finding it hard to be surrounded by pregnant people and babies. Kids even. But cutting all those people out of our lives makes our social circle very small. Tiny, in fact. So here we are. Alone, most of the time. Our (my) friends that live the closest to us are also expecting their third, as far as we know after no struggle at all, so we won’t be calling them either anytime soon. Maybe in three years time…

Three – isn’t that supposed to be some lucky number in mythology and history? Well not for us. We’ve been trying for a baby for three years now (three years!), we’ve done three full IVFs and three FETs. And yet no result.

Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we hope for a miracle. Thank you.

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Third time’s not a charm

I hate having to write only negative blog posts here, but I feel the need to get it out somewhere. Just before the fertility clinic closed for summer we had our last little frozen embryo thawed, and our last FET done. But, as you can conclude from the name of this post it wasn’t a success this time either.

Luckily we live in Sweden and have a third attempt, a full on one from the start with the hormonal shots (oh yay), still to do with the government signing the bill. The first hurdle is just finding a time/month where it will actually work what with work trips etc to deal with in the calendar. And that’s a challege all on its own!

To be continued…

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No luck

Sorry for not letting you know earlier, but no, it didn’t work this time either. Hopeless is the word. 😦

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And…we’re on it again. Our second FET, Frozen Embryo Transfer, took place yesterday. I’ve been taking oestrogens daily for three weeks to prepare my body for the embryo. Luckily it survived being thawed. It’d been dividing/growing for five days before being frozen, and should this also fail we have one more, a six day old, embryo “in the freezer”.


It sort of looked like this.

But – as ever – I’m hopeful! Perhaps this is the time it’ll finally happen! One has to keep ones spirits up, there’s no need to go into another bout of depression just yet.

We had a new doctor doing the procedure this time, and she was really great. She let me hold the ultra sound giggy-ma-thingy against my uterus and we got to see the cathether holding the embryo pass through my cervix and into the uterus. Very cool. So, at least for now, it’s actually in there. A little joint part of me and A, struggling to survive. This is what we’re hoping will happen next:


Picture from NYU Fertility Center.

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Failure, again

Just before Christmas we went through our second IVF attempt. On New Year’s Day it was sadly confirmed that this one had also failed. I had really thought it’d work this time. Those four little cells looked so perfect and strong! But to no avail.

The longing is intense. It’s like every membrane, every cell, in my body screams out in agony from the longing to be pregnant. I want to feel someone grow inside me, see my body change with motherhood, and then finally have someone to devote my life to. Hopefully it will happen. They haven’t actually found anything “wrong” with us. Our childlessness is “unexplained”. Which is absolutely no comfort whatsoever.

I don’t actually know anyone who’s had to go through more than two treatments without getting pregnant, but of course it’s now happened to us. I know it serves no good to complain or think it’s unfair, because seriously – IT’S UNFAIR!!! Life is so unfair. Why does this have to happen to me, to us? Why couldn’t this one thing just “happen” the natural way? Isn’t constant pain enough to deal with? Apparently not.

And it’s not like this is anything we wanted to have happen. I didn’t intentionally wait until I was 35 to start trying for a baby. It’s just that I didn’t meet my (now) husband until I was 34. And he’s still just a pup – turns 30 this summer. So, all newspapers writing that women simply don’t understand that our fertility declines after 30, making us sound like idiots, well they really don’t make me feel any better.

I will be 37 this year, and I have arthritis. In spite of these two facts we’ve started discussing adoption as an option. At least as a plan B, in case we keep failing at IVFs.

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Just spoke to a friend on the phone who I haven’t talked to in a while. He told me they’re expecting a second child in September (which, strangely, I’ve known for a couple of weeks, I’ve just felt it), and, whilst on the phone I get a text from my cousin with a picture from an ultra sound they had – today. So, they’re also expecting a second child in September.

I’m very happy for them both, but can’t help but think life’s unfair…

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There’s just one line on the damn stick, not two like there should’ve been. But, of course, we already knew this.


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Well, I believe she just did.

Hello period.

Just want to curl into a ball and cry, but no, I’m headed to my course, and then flying south.


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Waiting Game

Right now we’re just wishing, and hoping. It’s a horrendous three week long wait, just worrying over what might be, and what might not.

The staff at the clinic has said that it’s normal to bleed a little, that I’m still to carry on with the progesteron tablets and take the test as scheduled, but let me tell you – at the sight of as much as a drop of blood, you die a little inside. It’s so awful not knowing whether that’s a sign it’s all over, or if it’s a sign the embryo has attached itself firmly to the uterus wall…

I mean, I know we probably wouldn’t even know yet, if it wasn’t for the fact that we’d been through IVF, but still. I’ve felt nothing. Or almost nothing; I’ve felt something on my left side, but that could just be me wanting to feel something, right?

Oh well, I’ll just keep on hoping and praying things are moving in the right direction, not much more I can do. Please send positive thoughts our way!

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It’s been a glorious sunny day here in Stockholm today. We set out for a long walk in the afternoon, and we certainly weren’t alone! It seemed like literally everyone was out walking, skating and shuffling along. It was nice to get out and get our minds off the ever present topic of the IVF, and whether it’s been successful or not. I took some shots of my beautiful city for you (I love my iPhone5!) – enjoy!

From Stockholm with love!

From Stockholm with love!

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