The unfairness of it all is what gets me. The third try with a full IVF cycle didn’t work either, we found out as I took the test on Friday. Devastating.
Even more so when going online on Saturday and finding out from pictures that my bonus sister is pregnant again (her 2nd), and then later in the evening noticing a suspicious comment on my BFF’s wall: “you’re glowing – good luck with the belly!”. To me that can only mean one thing. That’d be her third. And she hasn’t told me.
It was as if someone had stomped on me. Crushed me. Squeezed all the air out of my lungs, and punched me in the heart. I just fell apart. Gasping for air.
Still, I could be wrong. About the second one, the first one’s been confirmed. Needless to say, I’m off Facebook. I’ll read notifications and messages, but nothing else. I couldn’t handle more ultrasound pics or exclamations like “oh! just felt the baby’s first kick!”.
No thanks. So if you’re expecting a response from me on something – e-mail or message me instead.
I don’t even feel bad for not being happy for people anymore. It’s asking for too much. I mean, deep down, somewhere way down, I’m delighted for them. Of course. But it makes my loss and suffering so much worse, and now it’s time to focus on me. On us.
We’re both finding it hard to be surrounded by pregnant people and babies. Kids even. But cutting all those people out of our lives makes our social circle very small. Tiny, in fact. So here we are. Alone, most of the time. Our (my) friends that live the closest to us are also expecting their third, as far as we know after no struggle at all, so we won’t be calling them either anytime soon. Maybe in three years time…
Three – isn’t that supposed to be some lucky number in mythology and history? Well not for us. We’ve been trying for a baby for three years now (three years!), we’ve done three full IVFs and three FETs. And yet no result.
Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we hope for a miracle. Thank you.
Watching: tulips and gorgeous sunsets
The Wanderings of a Swede 